The World's Biggest Dork (Bonus Blog):

Well I've gone and done it again. Surprise, surprise. I must love hurting the people around me and find some sense of sick satisfaction in it. Because low and behold I've done it again.

Here is what I mean.

Something happens in a relationship and I just stop talking to people involved. Who, generally, are close friends and I being ever so skillful apparently fall off of the face of the Earth. This usually occurs shortly after something gets confusing or stumbles into an area I don't fully understand (there are alot of those). Most of them revolve around that great mystery of a God. Or they do something that pisses me off and I don't want to deal with them.

Hence the list. A comprehensive list of all the people whom I don't want to deal with at present. That sad fact (aside from how disturbing and awful it is) is that nearly everyone I have ever called friend is on it. (This makes life somewhat lonely) I often wonder if God is on this list Himself. I treat Him like he is.

What I've done again.

Gone so far that the people being ignored email me hurt and sad wondering if I hate them or not. It's happened with pretty much all of my best friends: Johnny, Jonathan. There was a period where I hated Jeremy and Jerome (quite long actually). And now I'm confronted once again with the monster that is the Dark Side of Clay.

I hate it.

The current reason is God actually . . . surprise, surprise. Or rather Christian Spirituality. Somewhere I got it in my head that everyone who didn't know everything, believe such, or act in a way according to my interpretation of what was taught at Bible Study. All of course is my good friend religion (whom I have mentioned disgustingly before . . . religion being the rules, doctrine/theology, and laws of man confusing God and who, what, and how He is and works). Because of this I got scared and "didn't know how to deal" with said people (scared and thinking that I was better). So I stopped being their friend in essence and went off into my own reclusive world.

A damnable place if you ask me. Yet in so many ways I'm still trapped in it. Afraid to interact with others (that is without a computer in front of me) and love.

Eh. Well there you have it. I'm human: mistakes, idiocy, the whole lot.

Luv,
Clay

(Um. Right. I'm sorry. I really love the lot of you deeply. It is just buried too deep and rarely surfaces. Oh life. I would call you a miserable tramp, but that would probably constitute as some sort of sin.)